Posted by: Apostolic Oneness Pentecostals | September 9, 2008

Apostolic Humor: Are You In Church???

This was an email that a close church buddy of mine sent. I thought it was veryyyyyy funny yet to a degree a very accurate description of CHURCH!

The Average Caucasian Church:

  1.. Service and Sunday School are over by 12:00 a.m.
  2. All cars in the parking lot are either new or three years old.
  3. The Pastor20delegates his preaching and does not preach every
Sunday or every service.
 4. When the Pastor reaches retirement age, he retires; they don’t have
a problem retiring.
 5. No one leaves the choir during the entire service.
 6. There is only one choir.
 7. Choir rehearsal is only once a month, not every week.
 8. There is children’s church every Sunday, not once every six months
  9. There are 52-inch flat screen TVʼs posted in the sa
nctuary, which
is where announcements are posted and not read audibly.
 10. No afternoon and night service
11. You can’t tell the pastor’s car because everyone drives a nice car.
  12. Women wear less jewelry because they know less means more.
 13. Communion takes 30 minutes, not two hours.
 14. Communion is packaged together and not served in four gold trays.
15. Babies are not passed around in church; they sit only with their
 17. Scriptures and bible verses are posted on the FLAT SCREENS IN THE
 18. Caucasians know the difference between winter white and summer
 19. Mothers feed their kids FRUIT, GRAINS, AND ANIMAL CRACKERS before
 20. 80% of the congregation wears real furs in the winter and don’t
walk in service late to show them off.
21. IT TAKES TWO DEACONS TO COUNT $10 000+ in offering.
22. Ther
e’s only one offering.
23. 95% of the congregation is married
The Average African-American Church :
 1. Service starts at 11 a.m.but 50% of the members arrive at 12:45 p.m.
 2. All the cars in the parking lot have been freshly washed.
 3. The pastor doesn’t come
 out until 45 minutes after service has
 4. Only 30% of the choir is on time.
 5. Choir members get mad if someone else sings the solo on ‘their
song’ even if they haven’t attended rehearsal or church in 3 months or
 6. The choir sings a song which can last more than ten
minutes including the special ending and the period where choir members
‘get happy’ and fall out.
 7. The parents whip the kids during worship.
 8. There is an announcement clerk who reads aloud what is printed on
the church bulletin.
 9. Two of the church deacons have gold
 teeth or NO teeth!!!!!
10. The members socialize and speak during the tithes and offering.
11. When church is over, no one discusses the pastor’s message: they
just compliment each other’s
outfits and hair.
12.. Members pay $20, but stand there waiting for$18 in change back.
13. The single women give each other signals when a handsome guest

minister is invited.
14. You find notes after church that say: ‘That’s not her hair,’
‘Who is that baby daddy?’ ‘He need to sit down,’ ‘What you fix for
dinner?’ ‘I know she ain’t got that on,’ ‘Let me borrow $1 for offering’
15. It takes eight deacons 30 minutes to count $400.
16. There is a slot on the tithe envelope marked ‘Building Fund.’
17. That afternoon service is either: Choir Day, Usher Day, Or Men and
Women’s20Day (don’t forget Youth Day, Education Day, Pastor’s Aide
Day, Hospitality Day, New Member Day, Church Anniversary Day,
Pastor’s Anniversary Day, and Revival).
18. The Pastor’s car is either a Lexus, Cadillac or Mercedes.
19. The women have on expensive heels, but have house shoes in their
20. You see more than five people pass someone gum or a peppermint.
21. Someone will feed a baby Cheetos, sugar cookies, crackers, or
vanilla wafers in the sanctuary.
22. Men will have on suits in the>color of bright yellow, lime green,
hot pink,sky blue, and candy apple
red with shoes to match.
23. People will have a $80 bible, but will have to look in the table of
contents to find the text of the pastor’s

The great thing is that if you are familiar with any of these examples, then at least you are in church….God
Bless You!!!!


  1. Love it! So true!


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